Failstein
Chapter 2: The good doctor, who, ironically, is not really good. In fact, he’s very bad. Surprising? I didn’t think so either. Oh well, read on. You cunts.
Dr Failenstein was evil. Admittedly he was a fat, American college student, living in his mum’s basement, but that don’t mean shit. He was evil, and he knew it. Well, actually, tell a lie, he didn’t know it really. Nobody did. The fact that he robbed graves for organs and put them together into a whole new body wasn’t evil; it was just “eccentric”. Just like Michael Jackson when he rapes little kiddies. He’s not being evil or sinning, he’s just being “eccentric”, or “Wacko Jacko” as he has come to be known.
So Failenstein had a body in his mum’s basement. Rather amusing, really. He didn’t have it so the rotting smell would stink his room out, heavens no. Even evil mad scientists with cheetos fingers need to breathe. He didn’t have it for decoration either. He had it cos he wanted to bring it back to life.
Now the thing about Dr Failenstein is that he was not really a failure. He was a success. He was an idiot and a fool, but just like the failure crew fail no matter how hard they try, Dr Failenstein succeeded even though he never put the effort in. Quite how he’d turned his mum’s basement into a castle dungeon with the walls covered in machines and wires and lightening conductors he didn’t know, cos all he ever did was sit on his sofa eating beef jerkey and watching porn.
All he had to do was wait for a storm. For once, he wasn’t watching porn. He was checking the weather forecast for the next 3 days. There was a storm in 3 days.
Meanwhile, Failman had returned to the Failcave. Waiting for him were George, Matt and Lee, his failmates. Admittedly they were the last people he wanted to see right now. He had just lost to Batman – again – and he was sick of failing – again. He felt like he was going to collapse. Mike didn’t feel like sleeping, so he just walked straight past them to the bathroom and locked the door.
“What’s his problem?” asked Lee. He noticed the calling card on the floor and picked it up. He looked at it and showed it to the rest of the crew.
“Dammit!” George cursed. “Batman again?”
Lee sighed. “Let’s face it guys, he’s the dark knight. He has all sorts of shit. Films, comics, games. We got 2 failure’s writing shitty failfics about us.”
Matt and George scowled at him.
“Our stories aren’t shit,” Matt growled at him.
“Yours are,” George corrected him. Matt walked off in a huff and left the cave.
In the bathroom Mike opened the medicinal cabinet and checked the contents inside.
Desprin, calpol, ibuprofen. He couldn’t find what he was after. Then he remembered that he’d already used them.
“Shit.”
Mike closed the door to the medicine cabinet and then lifted the cabinet off of the wall. Inside was his alcohol supply. Or at least, where he kept it. It was empty. He must have taken it all yesterday when he was drunk.
“Shit.”
He replaced the medicine cabinet on the wall and left the bathroom. Sneaking past Lee and George, he left the cave. At least, he tried to sneak past George and Lee but instead caused 2 explosions and shattered 47 beakers of hydrochloric acid, which melted into the floor. However, by sheer miracle, his fellow Failure Crew members failed to notice him. He left the cave undetected.
Matt had just entered Failure mansion from the caves. Failure mansion was located on the mountains above Failham city. It was a crummy city filled with hobos and hobbits alike. Although the hobbits didn’t say much cos they didn’t like anyone. Their leader, Bilbo Baggins, led them on constant gang warfare with the hobos, and when they could, the police, too.
As he stalked the bright, colourful corridors of Failure mansion, Matt heard the telephone ringing. He set off at a run, quickly bursting into the huge dining hall, and picked up the phone just in the nick of time.
“Hello?”
“Is this the Failure Crew?” asked a mysterious, raspy voice.
“No, it’s Rolando’s Pizza Palace. Can I take your order please?” Matt announced. He then realised his mistake, and corrected himself. “Wait, yes. Sorry, this is the Failure Crew. Matt speaking.”
“The darkness is coming. You will all die. In 3 days time, the world is doomed. Only I can help you save your world. What you need is-“
Matt put the phone down.
“Jehovah’s Witnesses,” he muttered under his breath. “Curse them.”
“They don’t make phone calls, fool,” a voice said. “They knock on doors.”
Matt turned to see the familiar face of Mr T.
“Ah, Mr T, I didn’t see you come in.”
Mr T was the reason they were here. You don’t seriously believe the Failure Crew could have a mansion, and a cave, do you? It belonged to Mr T, who was successful enough to provide them with a base without having his life destroyed by their failures. Quite how it works out I don’t know. The physics of failing make no sense to anyone. And I wrote the book on it.
“What can I do for you, Mr T?” Matt asked.
“I got a job for your fool crew.”
Failstein
Part 3
Coming Soon!
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