Rise of the P.E.R.M. Empire
The Failure Crew Starring In:
The Rise Of The P.E.R.M Empire
Written by Matthew Collins
Author’s Note: This story stars the 'Failure Crew'. The crew consists of 4 members. The leader 'Failman' (Mike). The sidekick 'Unsuccessful Boy' (Matt). The dumbass 'Doctro Screwupalot' (George) and finally 'Sir Notdowell' (Lee Yoshi).
The story is written in the perspective of Lee Yoshi because he is just plain cooler than all of the other members. That’s right, the other 3 absolutely suck, especially Michael.
Chapter 1: Dude, where’s my house?
Lee opened the door of his fridge and peered inside looking for some beverages for himself and his fellow crew. He scanned the contents or the nearly empty fridge. He saw a white carton and removed it from the fridge. It contained his favourite drink 'Kum Juice'. After pouring it into 4 glasses, Lee closed the fridge door and carried then glasses back to the front room where two of his friends were watching some TV. Lee handed a glass to both Mike and Matt and set the two other glasses down on a low wooden table. Mike stuck his nose into his glass and take a big sniff.
"What is this?" he asked.
"Is there alcohol in it?"
"No thanks, here you can have my glass." Mike set it down with the other 2 glasses on the table. The Yellowish-white liquid swirled around in the glass. Lee picked up 2 glasses at once and swallowed them both in one gulp. This was followed by a loud burp. Mike starred in amazement. "Wow, you sure drank that fast." He told Lee.
"Don’t worry, we won’t run out - I can always make more later."
Their conversation was interrupted when Matt shouted out. "Quiet, I’m watching this commercial, it’s my favourite one!" Lee and Mike turned to him to see that Matt hadn’t moved his gaze from the television set. He watched intently at the advert, which seemed to be about an electronics store. He sang along with the slogan at the end "Curry’s, always cutting prices! Man, I love that advert." Matt said, he then drank his Kum juice and turned off the television set and looked around the large front room, it was covered in 'Barbie' and 'My Little Pony' wallpaper and merchandise.
"This is a nice place you got here Lee." Matthew told him.
"Thanks, I decorated it myself." Lee replied. As he spoke, Matthew looked around the room more and admired the décor. Then he noticed that the forth member of the failure crew had not yet arrived.
"Hey, where’s George? Shouldn’t he be here for weekly failure meeting?"
"Yeah, he’s gone out stalking. Said he’d be back in about half an hour." Explained Mike.
"His Cum juice is going to get all warm." Commented Lee. "I’d better drink his too." As Lee finished his third glass, the doorbell rang. "That must be him." Lee swiftly got up to answer it.
"Don’t forget to give him the password." Matt called as Lee left the room into the hallway. Ah yes, the password, Lee struggled to remember the password they had all agreed upon last week. It was Matthew’s duty to invent the weekly password that each failure crew member would have to speak it to gain access to Lee’s house which he fondly called "Chateau Le Fail". Lee was not living there alone however, he had invited all his fellow failure crew to stay since they were all homeless. Mike had been living in a mental hospital since recently. George was a bum and Matthew had been living with his parents until they kicked him out as soon as he turned 18.
Lee had been more than happy to let them stay since they had next to no luggage. Mike had a rusty dagger, which he used to mug people, and steal alcohol from people, George had ...well, nothing. Matthew only had 3 items, his ps2, his diary which he was very secretive about... and, of course his life size Tifa Lockhart blow-up doll. Lee had often borrowed this on lonely nights.
Lee reached the solid wooden door and peered through the hole, recognising the bald pointy-head of George Phillips. But just to make sure it was him, Lee tested him for the password.
"Where can you see lions?" asked Lee to the man across the door.
"Only in Kenya." George replied.
"Ok, you can come in." Lee turned his rusty knob and let George back in. He noticed it was getting late outside, it was also starting to rain.
Hours past and the 4 failure crew members got tired of talking and begun to watch the TV, at every single commercial break Matthew felt the need to sing along with the adverts. He was especially fond of the car insurance adverts. I know what you’re thinking, he’s a loser. But that is a vital attribute if you want to be in the failure crew.
At 10 o’clock, big brother 5 started, and Mike, Lee, George and Matt all quietened down to watch their favourite program. It turns out there had been another gripping and entire unpredictable twist in the program. All six housemates had been gassed in their sleep and moved to an exact replica big brother house in Iraq. When they awoke, they were oblivious to the fact they were in another country.
"Do you hear gunfire, chicken?" Michelle asked Stuart, who only grunted in response. The weekly task arrived, the housemates had to kill 15 Iraq invaders. Ahmed refused to participate and was shot several times. Nadia then sat on his corpse and farted, and laughed.
"This show gets better every year." Stated Mike. The four friends had been so absorbed in the remarkable entertainment that was Big Brother 5, that they didn’t notice that shifty character hiding in the corner.
"Hello gentlemen." Spoke a unfamiliar husky German accent All four member of the failure crew quickly turned their head to see the tall man with a curly black moustache step out from the shadows.
"Greetings, my name is Helmut Fondler, from Germany."
"How the hell did you get in here?!" demanded Mike. Helmut Fondler ignored the question and continued talking.
"Lee Yoshi, if that IS your real name. You have been charged with evading tax income for this house, I have received an order to evict you.... Immediately!"
*Dun dun duuuuuuuun* *cue dramatic music*
Lee’s face turned white. "Damn, they caught me!" This new discovery would leave the failure crew all homeless! Helmut pointed to the front door. "OUT!" he shouted. Lee, George, Matt and Mike walked out the door into the cold winter’s night without much of a fight. Lee was the first to speak "Damn those Germans, we help them out in World War 2, and this is how they repay us."
The failure crew, now homeless, walked aimlessly down the dimly lit street, wondering what they would do, where they would go.
What will become of the failure crew?
Who is this mysterious Helmut Fondler, and who is he working for?
Did Lee finish his Kum juice before leaving?
Will Dragon Ball Z ever make a comeback?
All these questions, and many more, will not be answered in the next exciting chapter of... RISE OF THE P.E.R.M EMPIRE!
Rise of the P.E.R.M. Empire