Rise of the P.E.R.M. Empire
By 'Bahamut'.
Chapter 8: Even More Theoretical Nonsense
As self-appointed second in command of the failure crew, Lee had a very important task on his hands. After remembering what it was, Lee got ready to pounce out of his hiding position and dance like he never had before. He had selected some music to dance to because otherwise he would just look like a lunatic dancing randomly in the street. So with that Lee pressed the play button on a conveniently placed HiFi and “The Logical Song” by Scooter burst loudly out of the speakers, this caught Helmut’s attention and Lee took the opportunity to leap out of the green shrub and boogie down.
“It’s you!” shouted Helmut in surprise. This didn’t stop Lee from his incessant dancing, and he continued to leap around the street with a style of dancing that can only be described as crap. Although later Lee would be known to be the creator of this style of dancing, and it would earn him millions, until the inventor of ballet music sued him for copyright infringement, despite being dead for hundreds of years.
Lurking in shadows at the other end of the street, were George and Matthew. Unfortunately Helmut had foreseen the sneak-attack and set up a plan of his own. A large man in a hat and a trench coat stepped in swiftly to block George and Matt; he offered to show them ‘Puppies’. Despite not knowing what the hell he meant, the two agreed because, well they were doing the what all good failure crew members should do: fail in the tasks they set off to accomplish.
Back outside the arcade, Lee had now been Dancing for roughly 45 minutes, and his dancing was now becoming almost as repetitive as a Pokémon’s latest series. He stopped to catch a breath and then noticed Helmut was clutching a pretzel and a hotdog, he had obviously been to a fast-food stall while Lee was dancing monotonously. Helmut spoke;
“Lee, your Leader is unconscious, your failmates have deserted you. Now I will destroy you to put an end to the failure crew once and for all!” this was followed by evil laughter. Very evil laughter, evil GENIUS laughter. You could rate it 10 out of 10 on the evil villain laughter scale.
“You can’t defeat me, you’re just a PERM controlling a German man!” Lee replied. Yes, his trash talk is crap, but one can’t be good at everything.
“I know your weakness Lee.”
“WHAT? Impossible, I’ve told no-one, how could you know about my secret weakness?”
“Well, I checked all your info on your website, http://www.lee-yoshi.co.uk/1.html !” Helmut said as a wide spread smirked across his face. “…and what a great site it is too!”
“Dammit, then you know, my weakness….”
“Yes Lee, your weakness is…. EVERYTHING!”
**gasp**
Everything seemed to move into slow motion as Helmut grabbed hold of his mustard-covered hotdog and threw it at Lee. Lee dived out of the way and narrowly missed the deadly hotdog as it exploded in the middle of the road. Lee knew that this was his only chance, he sprung to his feet and dashed at Helmut with all his might, Helmut countered with a barrage of pretzels, but he was horror stricken when he realised they were having no effect on Lee, they must be the one single thing that he was not weak against, how rare.
It was all over in a matter of seconds, Lee dived into Helmut’s stomach, forcing him to fly backwards into a wall, the PERM fell from his head and landed in a pile of dog-shit, Helmut was unconscious. The Earth was saved! For a few seconds it was, then something else happened.
A sort of rip in mid-air appeared in from of Lee, the rip turned into a 6-foot large gap in space, all of the light seemed to be getting sucked into this small hole. There was lots of flashing lights then Lee realised that the only things left were himself and the PERM. Then a strange monstorous looking creature flew out of the hole. How strange, it seemed that the entire world had been engulfed in the hole, only blackness remained.
“Lee Yoshi Dyer. I am Failcron!” the creature spoked.
“Hi”
“You realise why I am here?”
“Yeah… I think so.”
“You have failed the failure crew Lee, you succeeded in stopping the PERM Empire. This accomplishment has caused an imbalance in the universe Lee. Soon enough the whole universe will be destroyed. Including Nintendo HQ!”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” screamed Lee. “Is there any way we can prevent this Failcron?”
“Yes Lee. But it involves a great sacrifice. You must LEAVE the failure crew for all this damage to be undone.”
Lee thought long and hard about it. Save universe by leaving the failure crew. He thought it through thoroughly. Lee made his decision. He told failcron he would stay in the failure crew. This would normally mean that the universe would be destroyed, but fortunately Lee’s failure to make the right decision had cancelled out the success from earlier. Lee found himself back in reality. The PERM was gone, and Helmut had regained consciousness. Lee talked with him for a little while; he was actually quite a nice fellow when he wasn’t being mind-controlled. Once all the failure crewmembers had been gathered up, they headed back to the hotel, to tell their story to Mr T.
As they walked down Failsworth street, the crew began to talk once again. “Wow.” Said Mike. “It certainly has been a long day! If I could sum it all up in one word, it would be ‘Pro Choice’!”
“Still drunk eh, Mike?” asked Matt. Mike nodded, then decided that now was the perfect time for one of his long speeches.
“Let me tell you another story…”
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The End
Fan Works
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