Rise of the P.E.R.M. Empire
By 'Bahamut'.
Chapter 3: I lied about it being better that chapter 2, ha.
The journey to the hotel was short and bumpy, like Justy’s penis. Mr T and the four failure crew members were listening to “Capital FM” on the radio. Christ Tarrant’s breakfast show was on.
“Good afternoon, I’m Chris Tarrent, and I’m gay. Yes, gay, as in homosexual. We have a great show for you today on Capital. First of all I will talk about how utterly gay I am for 10 minutes, that will be followed by 5 minutes of commercials about homeowner loans and motor car insurance. Then more gay talking by me, finally another few minutes of commercials about car insurance. If we have time, we may also play some townie music which people like to hear simply because it’s popular. Oh yes, did I mention that I’m GAY? If you look up “Gay” in the dictionary, you will see Chris Tarrant, this is because I am extremely gay…”
Mr T interrupted; “Change the damn station fool!” he said to Lee who was sitting in the front seat. After much turning of the knob he came across another station. The song being played was ‘Absolution’ by Muse.
“ARGH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TURN IT OFF!” pleaded Matthew from the back seat. Lee obliged, and the rest of the journey was virtually silent. Mr T parked his 4 by 4 and the crew exited the vehicle.
The hotel looked fairly spectacular from the outside, it was called ‘Da Blingin’ Bling Bling Hotel of Blinglyness’. There was a chip shop on the corner called ‘The Cod Father.’
Now, Lee had some difficulty getting into the hotel. First of all, the doorman wouldn’t let the failure crew pass because they stunk of wee. However Mr T talked him into letting them pass. Lee then had to make it through the sliding automatic doors, this wasn’t an easy task for him, he had previously had several nasty encounters with these doors, and most of them involved decapitation of limbs and/or private parts. Fortunately, this time Lee made it through without much difficulty. George however, lost a shoe. “Damn you sliding door, you win this time.” He said.
Once they had entered their rooms and told the luggage boy to f**k off without a tip. The crew all entered Mr T’s room to chill, and steal his jewellery. Lee walked over to the window and looked out to see townies going about their daily business. They were on the 3rd floor of the hotel so there was quite a few.
“This is boring.” Stated Mike. “Let’s listen to capital!” He then walked over to the cheap looking radio by the bed and turned the station to Capital.
”I’m gay. I’m gay. I’m gay. I’m gay. I’m gay. I’m gayer than Justy and the French international football team put together.” Chris Tarrant’s voice came over the radio. They listened to the Tarrant show for a while, then at about 1pm, the failure crew each thanked Mr T one final time then went off to their rooms. Mr T left to be filmed in his new movie.
Once he was alone, Lee decided he had procrastinated long enough. He picked up the telephone by the bed and immediately called his good friend Mellor. Mellor was quite an intelligent fellow, which is why he usually stayed as far away from the failure crew as possible (you see – they are all dumbarses). However, Lee had asked as a special favour to Mellor that he do some research on a man named “Helmut Fondler.”
“OK. Helmut Fondler. I’ll google it.”
Lee waited and heard only silence on the other end of the line, until Mellor replied.
“Wow, sixty-three million, five hundred thousand and twenty-one results. Meh, I’ll just click the top one.”
More silence.
“Oh my God! Lee, you have to get over right now and see this!”
“What is it, did you find out something shocking about Helmut Fondler?”
“No, my pet squirrel just did the cutest trick ever!”
“….”
“….”
“I’ll be there in 5 minutes.”
Lee hung up the phone and left his room, he informed his fellow crew that he was going to see Mellor, who, rather conveniently, lived just down the street. Since they had nothing better to do, the other members of the crew offered to go to Mellor’s with Lee.
“Well… I’m afraid I can only take George and Mike with me.” Explained Lee. “Sorry Matt, but if we travel in groups of more than three, we may be spotted. You know, by the enemy.”
“Wow.” Said Matt. “That is the most creative way I’ve ever been ditched, ever!”
“Sorry Matt, we’ll catch up with you later.” Said Mike.
“Bah, just go you traitors. It will give me a chance to practise my Sailor Moon poses in peace.”
And so they left.
Rise of the P.E.R.M. Empire
Part 4
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