Rise of the P.E.R.M. Empire
By 'Bahamut'.
Chapter 4: Death, destruction, and something called Lucy
As they walked along the concrete pavement (sidewalk- for the yanks) towards Mellor’s place; Mike, Lee and George looked around to admire their surroundings. Mike then coughed gently; this was a sign. A sign that Mike, Failman, was going to make one of his rare speeches. Every one of Mike’s speeches were fascinating because they involved… well, random shit and too many commas.
“Take a seat children.” Said Mike. Then Lee and George gathered around him to listen inventively.
Mike spoke in his usual tipsy tone: “One time, I saw this movie. It was called ‘Something Called Lucy.’ It was about this man, they don’t tell you his name. This man wasn’t happy with the way he looked, he wasn’t even happy being a man. So one day, he got a sex change, the operation was a great success except for one thing, when they got him off the operating table, he hit his head on a pole, causing him to get amnesia. When the man awoke, he was a beautiful woman. Two weeks later she had started a new life in a different city. Lucy, as she had called herself, had seen a picture of a man who had mysteriously disappeared in London a few weeks ago. She fell in love with the man’s picture. She was so obsessed with him that she looked for other pictures just like him. She had found dozens, but she still hadn’t met the man. So, she moved to Birmingham, which was the man’s hometown. When she arrived at his house, she knocked at the door. She realised she had been to the house before. No-body answered the door, and then she realised that the man was herself before the sex change! She was so shocked that she died right there on the spot.”
Lee and George were stunned with this amazing story. “But what is the significance of this story?” asked George.
“There isn’t a significance. I’m just drunk is all.”
George wiped a tear away from his eye. “That was beautiful Mike!”
After 2 more minutes of walking the group finally reached Mellor’s, the front door was open which was rather peculiar. The group entered then followed Lee up the stairs to… you guessed it, the second floor. When the three entered Mellor’s bedroom they were shocked to find that the squirrel was missing, and also Mellor and sprawled on the floor, bleeding from his head. He was still alive however. Lee ran across the room to comfort his buddy.
“Mellor, who did this to you?!” Asked Lee.
“Man… with a black… perm.” These were Mellor’s last words, well actually, his last words were; “Please delete all the porn from my hard drive.” But the perm comment sounds more dramatic.
After several minutes of mourning and then looting of Mellor’s unoccupied house, the group returned to the Blingin’ hotel wearing Mellor’s townie clothes. There was no doubt in Lee’s mind that Mellor’s killer was none other than Helmut Fondler since the killer had left a video and a note on Mellor’s desk which said ‘I, Helmut Fondler, am the murderer.’ The video was labelled; ‘Evil Plan act 1- Helmut kills Anthony Mellor and leaves a video and note.’ The group had decided to play it back in the hotel room.
As Lee, Mike and George progressed up the stars to their room, Lee spoke again.
“Hey, after we play this tape, can we go and visit Sam’s comic?”
“Huh? You mean the one at http://www.drunkduck.com/Fallen/ ?” asked Mike.
“Yeah, I heard it’s good.”
“Yup. Let’s just clarify. The comic at http://www.drunkduck.com/Fallen/ is the best ever and it’s an offence for anyone not to view it on a regular basis.” Said Mike.
*20 minutes of shameless advertising later*
“Here we are, at the door to our room. I can’t believe it took us over 20 minutes to walk up here.” Said George.
“We would have been here soon if Lee hadn’t have taken all of those trips to the bathroom.” Remarked Mike.
“I was making us all some drinks.” Said Lee.
“Ok, enough chatter.” Said Mike as he grabbed the door handle and pulled it down. “Let’s all enter our room now. Ok… opening now… slowly opening… hopefully nothing dramatic will happen when we enter the room.” Mike pushed the door open and on the floor lay the dead body of… his brother Simon!
Mike screamed; “Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” Lee and George were still on the other side of the door. “What’s wrong?” they asked.
“I just remembered we’re out of alcohol.”
Rise of the P.E.R.M. Empire
Part 5
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