Rise of the P.E.R.M. Empire
By 'Bahamut'.
Chapter 6: Those who try, are destined to fail.
Since today is the era of the DVD. Finding a tape player was difficult. The failure crew had decided to borrow a tape player from their old retro friend Tony, a man so out-of-date he thinks a DVD is some sort of sexually transmitted disease. Anyway, once Lee was in possession of the tape player, he returned to the hotel to watch the tape of Mellor’s undoing with the rest of the failure crew and Mr T. Suama the hobo was strangely absent though, it would appear she had disappeared the same way she appeared: randomly.
“OK, this is it.” Said Lee. “If you see one movie this year that expands the plot of this story – make it this one!” Lee popped the tape into the dusty old tape player, which was connected to a 28” windscreen television. Before pressing the play button Lee informed his fellow crew that if anyone needed to use the bathroom, they should go now. George decided to take Lee up on this offer and headed straight to the bathroom, but not before taking a copy of “Busty Babes – volume 3” with him. Forty-seven seconds later, he returned look rejuvenated and took a seat next to Mike. Lee inserted the video tape and took a seat next to the others, however, he failed to land on his arse, then defied the laws of physics by failing to fall over once he missed the seat. Lee then pressed the “Play” button, only to find that he was holding a vibrating dildo, which he swiftly let go of. 10 minutes of looking for the remote control proved useless, due to Lee’s failure tenancies. Only when trying not to find the remote did Lee discover that he was holding it in his other hand, he pressed play.
Mellor was setting at his desk, bragging on msn about his four A’s that he achieved in his exams. He was so involved that he didn’t notice the shadowy figure slowly approach behind him, it was the unmistakable figure of Helmut Fondler. Helmut then picked up the squirrel from the desk and palced it on Mellor’s head, Helmut continued by prodding the squirrel a few times until it went rabid and scratched Mellor’s scalp until he fell unconscious on the floor. Helmut put the squirrel in a conveniently placed cage and carried it over with him in front of the camera. He spoke in a strong German accent.
“Failure Crew. All your apartment are belong to us. However, you are all that stands between the P.E.R.M empire and total conquest of Loserville.” Helmut said as he stared distantly into the lens of the camera.
“What did he say?” asked Matt. “I missed it.” There was no time to reply however, as Helmut continued to speak.
“I’m sure you’re wondering what the P.E.R.M Empire is. It stands for “Peacock Eating Rabid Monkies.” Which just happens to be a code name. We – the PERM empire – are a race of perms from a faraway planet – Mars. Which, if I know my geography, is somewhere on the other side of the universe. We came here to attach ourselves to the heads of post-nazi Germans and enslave them with our mind control abilities to evict every resident of Loserville so that we can use their houses to hire a bunch of artists to draw hentai and sell it for a large profit. With the money from that we will buy a destructro ray from your local supermarket and use it to destroy Loserville, thus ending our existence.” Helmut fell silent again, although from the look on his face it was obvious that he was being mind-controlled by the perm on his head.
“What a devious plan!” said Mike “Only a race of super-intelligent hair’s could come up with a plan so ingenious, we must stop them.”
As if on queue, Helmut replied. “I suppose you want to try and stop our plan from going ahead. If so, meet me outside the arcade on Failsworth street. We will take part in a gruelling competition to decide the fate of Loserville. You can choose either Dance Dance Revolution or Time Crises 2.” Then the screen went blank.
Lee paced over to the television and turned it off. “Well, I guess we have no choice.” So then the crew set off to Failsworth street, to begin the final showdown with Helmut and his perm. Of course, they failed to find the arcade without getting lost. But would they succeed in stopping the evil perm’s plan?
Find out in the next chapter of Rise Of The PERM Empire!
Rise of the P.E.R.M. Empire
Part 7
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