The Knights of the Failed Table
By George Phillips AKA Beavis Core AKA Dr Screwupalot.
Chapter 3: Who brought a Compass?
With their swords and their shields ready, and their bulky heavy knights armour strapped to their bodies, the crew were ready to go to war. England was barely 30 miles away, but they still needed to cross the sea before they hit land. Fortunately, they had Mr T.
"Fools, since I'm with the Queen, I managed to secure us all plane tickets to Heathrow," he told them. "Our flight leaves in an hour."
"No worries Mr T," said George. "Matt came up with a much quicker form of transportation. We're going there in a pedal boat."
"You fools can not be serious."
"I know," sighed Mike. "It's a physical impossibility in the failure crew. Now, slaves, row!" As the crew set out in their pedal boat, Mr T could only shake his head in dismay.
"Pedal faster, bitches!" yelled Mike. "Lee, my dear first mate, why will George and Matt no longer pedal?"
"It appears that they have passed out, sir," Lee informed him. "It seems that it would be due to dehydration out here in the baking sunlight, coupled with the sheer amount of pedalling you have made them do in the past 2 days."
"2 days?" Mike asked. "Is England that far away?"
"No, which is weird."
"I'll tell you what's weird. George and Matt are dehydrated, when we're on the middle of the fucking ocean. Just chuck 'em overboard and we'll wait for them to wake up."
"Erm, sir, they could drown."
"Ah, but you see, it is secretly my intent that they are to drown, as I have just failed to keep secret. Therefore, being Failman, the King of Failos, I will fail to eliminate them, and they will wake up and swim to safety."
"Its fail-proof, sir," said Lee.
"No, Sir Notdowell, it's not. That's the plan."
After waking up and failing to swim to safety, and having to be rescued by Lee, George and Matt took a much needed break from their labour, to enjoy tea and soggy biscuits with the others.
"So, where are we?" asked Matt.
"I don't know. You're the one with the compass," said Mike.
"But I thought George had it?" said Lee.
"No, you said you were gonna bring it, Mike."
"Yeah, but I told Lee to bring it."
"No, you told me to bring a porn magazine and a box of tissues."
The crew looked at each other, before all speaking at once.
"Shit!"
"So, how long until we reach land, do you think?" George asked solemnly.
"About 6 minutes," said Matt.
"What makes you say that?" Lee asked.
"Cos there's a beach about 6 minutes away in the direction we're facing." They all looked and saw the coastline.
"So there is," cheered Lee. "Well done Matt!"
"Not a problem."
"No, but that is!" Mike gasped.
"Oh my God, the boat's sprung a leak!" screamed George.
"No, not that!" Mike corrected him. "My porn magazines are wet!"
"Oh my God, the porn magazines are wet!" screamed Lee.
"Yeah, but the boat also seems to have sprung a leak, which until now, only George has gave a damn about," Matt said.
"My feet are wet!" shrieked Mike.
"Where are you, Mr T? We need you!" George bellowed.
"Erm, guys?"
"Not now, Lee," said George. "The boat's sinking!"
"But we've already arrived at the beach!" Lee shouted. "We're safe!"
"And look," Mike cheered. "They've sent us a welcoming committee!"
A group of people walked up to the crew and began speaking to them in a funny language none of them recognised. Lee looked around and saw a sign that had funny letters on it, but also an English translation on it.
"Hey, that sign says 'chicken popcorn might jetpack need candlestick'," he told them.
"Lee, you can't read," George reminded him. "Let me see it."
After reading the sign, George let out a gasp.
"We're in Brazil!"
The Knights of the Failed Table
Part 4: How did they get on Brazil's national football team?
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